Driving Home For Christmas (Totally F***ing Bankrupt)
This post mentions sexual assault.
Picture this.
It’s Friday night.
I’m a young woman of 25. I have several friends. I celebrate Christmas. These two facts have combined to create FESTIVE OPPORTUNITY! So I’m going to a house party in East London. I’ve dressed up a bit and everything.
It is snowing heavily. I’ve wrapped up warm, but it’s obvious I’m a bit dressed up; mini skirt, tights, thigh high socks over the tights, stompy boots (OK, I’m a bit of a goth). I feel good about the way I look.
BE CABWISE! Text this number, and find out where you can be overcharged for being out of the house! You hussy! (Image: Transport For London, 2010)
The party goes great. I leave at about midnight, and am juuust too late to make the last Tube home. On the way out, I catch sight of the new poster encouraging me to take a licensed minicab. It says, IF YOUR MINICAB’S NOT BOOKED, IT’S JUST A STRANGER’S CAR. It seems to have replaced the triggertastic, victim-blame-loaded images from a couple of years ago, which showed a woman’s screaming, tearslicked face and bore the headline “STOP, PLEASE, NO, PLEASE, STOP… taking unlicensed minicabs.” I was not a fan of that campaign, well-meaning though it was. It was a giant neon cultural signpost as far as I was concerned: ladies, rape is your problem, sort it.
The streets are covered in thick ice. I have to pick my way very slowly through it, even in my stompy-but-relatively-practical boots, to avoid falling. A couple of guys outside a pub have things to say about the delectability of my arse as I do this. Their commentary isn’t particularly appreciated.
There are barely any nightbuses running. I realise, shivering and fumbling for my wallet, that I want a minicab. A licensed one.
The rest of my night is an expensive nightmare which opens my eyes to just how much quite a lot of people are happy to exploit my need to get home safely. And how many people out there think that if I want to be safe without paying through the nose, I shouldn’t be out at all.
Leytonstone’s not the life and soul of London on a Friday night, but there are quite a lot of people out, so there must be a few house parties going down. There are several women, at varying levels of party-dressed, in varying states of sobriety. It just so happens that tonight I’m sober. All of us are looking for a way home. A fair number of us are travelling alone.
There is one minicab office in the area I’m trying to navigate. It’s the only one I can see. I’ve used it before and it’s usually been fine. The office has several women milling about outside it. Encouraged, I go in.
The man behind the counter studies me with a faintly critical eye. I tell him I want to go to South London – a long journey, so I’m prepared for some outlay.
“Normally,” says Counter Dude, a little nervously, “that’d be £35.”
Okay.
There is some nudging and muttering going on behind the glass. I wonder if my skirt is rucked up or something. It all looks okay.
“Tonight is fare-and-a-half night.”
Ah. Fare-and-a-half-night. That famous British institution WAIT WHAT.
“It’ll be £53.”
What the shit.
“We’re charging extra,” says Counter Dude, “just for tonight.”
I look out the window at the snow, and the shivering lone women. Is it just the snow that’s suddenly made the petrol so expensive? Or is it more the crowd of women the snow has delivered into the arms of the minicab company that’s occasioned this spontaneous jolly price-hike? I look back at Counter Dude.
“Just tonight,” I say pointedly.
“Yeah.”
There’s an awkward silence.
“Unlucky,” he proffers, after a brief conversational abyss while he searches for a word with which to label my predicament. “You’re unlucky being out tonight.”
What follows is essentially a Paddington Bear-style stare-out, which I win. My prize? A “discount” taking my fare down by a fiver. Still £££ more than I’d usually be charged. You’re damn right I’m unlucky. I’m already drafting a My Fault I’m Female submission as we speak.
The previous safety poster, with bonus feminist stickering. Image via Flickr user jonanamary.
Here’s the deal, guys: I know it’s snowing this week, GUYS, EVERYBODY CAN SEE IT IS SNOWING THIS WEEK. I know that in all likelihood, you’re charging dudes the same amount.
But here it is, right, here’s the thing: hardly any dudes are in this cab office. More women are taking your cabs, because (cis, at least) men do not have the same sense of personal risk going home alone at night after a thing like a party. Most of my male friends rolled home. My boyfriend regularly rolls home when he’s had a few at a party! I’d love to be able to roll home in the same way! But often I don’t feel able to. Especially not since a female acquaintance of mine from the same area was sexually assaulted on public transport less than a year ago. I went past a yellow police SEXUAL ASSAULT poster for weeks after that knowing precisely who it related to.
ALL OF WHICH IS TO SAY THAT when you notice a predominantly female bunch of customers need cabs, and rack up your prices in kneejerk response, on a night when it’s particularly difficult to do anything but take a minicab, and not doing so may result in Judgement and Scrutiny if something goes wrong… well, guys, what you are doing there is helping create a LONE LADIES: STAY HOME kinda vibe.
I’m not saying that women are more likely to be attacked than men; this would not be true. But there is an atmosphere, a culture that we live in, that frequently suggests that women walking alone at night, especially if they are dressed for a party, are at least partly asking to be attacked and that if they do not take appropriate measures, it is their fault if such a thing should occur. That is the difference. And minicab companies, it seems, who provide Said Measures, rather like to capitalise on that.
As I wait for my cab – which presumably runs on petrol of molten gold! – I’m curbcrawled, basically, by unlicensed cabs, twice. They offer me a cheap way home. £20! £15! No dice.
But the majestic fee for my licensed cab is coming right out of my Christmas overdraft. I wonder how many women are tempted by the riskier option.
Probably quite a few.
In the cab, which is not, ALAS, plated with gold and drawn by a unicorn, my driver’s so annoyed I’ve argued the fare down further to a “really very reasonable” £42, he spends our journey informing me that I should be “grateful” his boss “felt like being nice” to me. Eventually I just slip my headphones into my ears and overlay his voice with a nice Christmassy choir. Much better.
What I really want to do here is offer some positive advice at the end of this post – it’s one of BadRep’s policies to try and go beyond ranting as far as we can, and recommend what you can do with your voice, your money and your time to change things.
I’m a bit stumped here, though. Maybe there’s a Minicabs Ombudsman Person, or a Price Regulating Committee I can give a shout? I dunno. I’ll have to try to find out.
But don’t hesitate to argue your corner if the little voice in your head reckons you’re being supremely bloody fleeced.
Have a safe Christmas.
Feminist Family Christmas: Part Seven
A final taste of different sorts of feminists, their families and the festive season. This one is crowdsourced using an online survey from my own Twitter feed and also this website. Everyone was asked the same questions and given room to type whatever they wanted. I’ve selected a handful of quotes that I thought were interesting, relevant or in certain cases just made me smile or feel all festive… This means they are kinda jumbled, but I like that as it shows the commonalities, particularly the focus on our families – whatever they look like!
Needless to say, this sort of behaviour is why I will never be a proper writer or journalist.
“I celebrate Christmas as a practising Christian.”
“I’m originally from Poland. I’m not flying home this year because I don’t have any days off left because of my studies.”
“I am a 23-year-old disabled feminist who lives alone in council housing. I am unemployed due to my disability and spend a lot of my time homebound.”
“Too much to do w/ career/cuts this year to get involved in capitalistic nonsense this year. Merry Christmas!”
“Spending the weekend before Solstice with partners’ parents and the rest of the Christmas time at home.”
“I enjoy pink products! … But ideally, I’d like to be able to enjoy them were I male, too, without negative comment!”
“For various reasons we can’t get to our families, so we’re all doing Christmas together. We’re going to prep the food on Christmas Eve, then have dinner and stockings the next day, and generally be relaxed.”
“I have honestly never really considered Christmas as being stressful for feminists but that’s because my dad was always pretty involved and my partner does a lot of the cooking.”
“I bought a card for my younger brother who is currently working in France because I know he’s getting homesick.”
“Last year I wrote poems for the people closest to me.”
“Will probably end up at my local arts centre, buying quirky crap.”
“I guess I feel the need to try and take some pressure off my Mum because she always seems to get very worked up about Christmas, she has the longest holiday so has always done more of the preparation.”
“The way children’s toys are so aggressively segregated by gender worries me and I often think about how I will work this when and if I have children of my own.”
Thank you to everyone who contributed – either by responding to my emails, phone calls and texts, posting on the survey or pinging me on Twitter. I’m always excited by the range of people who connect with BadRep and hope that you all have an awesome holiday!
Feminist Family Christmas: Part Six
A few snapshots of different sorts of feminists, their families and the festive season. I’m fortunate to have lots of lovely people in my circle, many of whom identify as feminists and I was interested in what their Christmases looked like.
So, are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s continue…
TELL ME A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.
My name is Lily and I’m a literature student, photographer and occasional event organiser of Crimson (a BDSM club) and Peer Rope London among other things. I’m 23 and have been with my boyfriend for almost five years and with my girlfriend for almost four (I’m polyamorous). I’malso pagan, as are my parents; something I don’t advertise overmuch, but which may impact on the rest of this interview. I was born and grew up in London and am very close to my family, who live ten minutes away from us in Wimbledon.
WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS AT CHRISTMAS?
For the last few years, we (my boyfriend and I) have had small Christmas celebrations by ourselves, except for a traditional walk on the common with my family in the morning, then friends have come over in the evening. We usually see our girlfriend the week beforehand for mini-christmasness; she spends the actual holiday with her primary partner. This year, however, we are hosting christmas for the first time for my family (mummy, dad and little brother). I’m cooking, not because I have to, but because I love cooking for people and I get annoyed with other people in the kitchen really quickly! So, we will open stockings, go on our morning walk, open presents, chill out, have christmas dinner. Then more chilling out, a game of cluedo or something and then movies (Wallace and Gromit!), port and bedtime. My family isn’t christian, so it’s never been about religion for us (we celebrate Yule instead); it’s a chance to celebrate the people you love, have a good time and take time out to spend with each other.
WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT?
Crabtree and Evelyn rose perfume, chinese flying lanterns, shoes, wallet, a hat, a kigu, a sparkly Virgin Mary, sparkling skulls, a recipe book, a Jedi bathrobe. I still have to get a couple of bits and pieces.
HOW DO YOU BUY GIFTS?
Online if I need something specific, Etsy for beautiful individual items (I usually boycott Amazon, for LGBT and ethical reasons) and other independent shops, but otherwise I pick up curious little things when I see them in the shops. I like shopping for other people.
AS A FEMINIST DO YOU FEEL ANY PARTICULAR PRESSURES OR RESPONSIBILITY AT THIS TIME OF YEAR?
I feel a need to not be gender biased in my present giving. I tend to use Hawkins Bazaar to get a lot of things (like the lanterns, sparkling skulls, etc), because they stock a range of stuff that isn’t gender specific. They’re also great for kids as well as adults. I despise most kids shops at this time of year, when everything is split into pink and blue; Early Learning Centre is a particular horror (and the Pink Stinks campaign highlights this), as is Hamleys with its split gendered floors (one for the girls and one for boys).
Another example of neutral toys made pink...
I actually was horrified by a couple of things in Hamleys, especially its beauty bar for girls, which offers pre-teens manicures etc, and is called Tantrum. And the fact that in order to market something to girls, you should just take the normal toy and paint it pink. But if people ask for something or really love something which is gender specific (rose perfume for example) then I will get it, because that’s about preference not obligation.
AND FINALLY…
I think that a lot of pressure will come from family and social circles at this time of year, more so than the media. I dislike a lot of adverts and articles aimed at “the woman cooking” or “manly gifts”, or “pink for girls, blue for boys”, but I do think it’s starting to get a tiny bit better. Our society is so media saturated, that I don’t even really see or acknowledge most of them nowadays.
Thankfully, my family don’t fight and my parents were always really careful to share the tasks like shopping and cooking (they are both feminists themselves), so I think I don’t see a lot of the feminist issues around the holidays, because I have very little experience of them. Our friends don’t stress us out or insinuate that there is a certain way one should be acting, so I have always found Christmas to be quite enjoyable.
Feminist Family Christmas: Part Five
A few snapshots of different sorts of feminists, their families and the festive season. I’m fortunate to have lots of lovely people in my circle, many of whom identify as feminists and I was interested in what their Christmases looked like.
So, are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s continue…
TELL ME A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.
My name is Oli. I’m a man, and I’m self-identified as a thinker, a pluralist and a liberal socialist rather than a feminist per se. I am all about equality for everyone – my feminism, such as it is, is an acknowledgement of a need to redress an imbalance of power and privilege across gender lines and a desire to be aware of the privilege I have by accident of birth and not be insensible to it or frankly abuse it.
I do think that a lot of how I feel about gender and society has sprung from my exposure to feminist ideas and discourse through my family, social and academic life, not to mention an ongoing interest in engaging with the society I live in. I suppose I would characterise where I come from on the spectrum as really a post-feminist or a “sex-positive” feminist. I’m about to get married and shortly thereafter I’m going to be a father. I am happier now, in my mid-thirties and planning a life with someone, than I have ever been. This is in no small part due to that person being as equally broad-minded, open and thinking a woman as I try to be a man.
WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS AT CHRISTMAS?
We’re planning a quiet, family orientated Christmas with my fiancee’s family in rural Sussex – I am looking forward to it immensely! There will be food, drink, boardgames, Christmas telly, and most importantly from my perspective, a sense of togetherness. We will (briefly) celebrate again with my family on the eve of our upcoming wedding when they get back into the country from spending Christmas with my brother and sister-in-law in Belgium.
WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT?
A Kindle for my parents, a laptop for my partner, an array of games/DVDs/CDs/books/hats and gloves for various siblings – that kind of thing.
HOW DO YOU BUY GIFTS?
About half and half online and in the shops – we have done most of it together.
AS A FEMINIST DO YOU FEEL ANY PARTICULAR PRESSURES OR RESPONSIBILITY AT THIS TIME OF YEAR?
I suppose more than anything I would want to avoid cliche with regard to roles in the “Family Christmas” – there is no reason for just the women to cook and the men to socialise – but to be frank my lifelong experience of Christmas has been my father cooking Christmas dinner, in fact dealing with all things distaff over the festive period, so to avoid cliche I would have to inhabit my own personal one.
This year in particular I will be a guest in another family’s idea of Christmas, and while I want to be true to how I feel about all kinds of things, like not just defaulting to giving little girls “something pink” to fighting over the washing up instead of just doing it, I am aware of the fact that I need to bend in the wind of another family’s prevailing wind, if you’ll pardon the dreadful imagery.
Tradition has a funny way of entrenching the most trivial gender bias to the most insidious prejudice; I suppose the particular pressure I feel whenever Tradition weighs in, as it does heavily at Christmas, is to not let it force me or allow anyone else to behave in a way that is inappropriate.
AND FINALLY…
There are many groups of people that get a pause for thought, at least, from me at Christmas; the old, the lonely, the homeless, and in amongst that I would have to say women who have to be all things to all people over this period, all the way through to the women spending what should be a happy time filled with love and family, running and hiding from abuse. But as with any other “time of year” or similar, I always find myself chiding myself for not thinking of such things just on any old Tuesday a bit more often. I suppose what I want to say is that Christmas being a time for reflection as well as joy is a bit of a double-edged sword; after all, a social conscience of any stripe should be for life, right?
Feminist Family Christmas: Part Four
A few snapshots of different sorts of feminists, their families and the festive season. I’m fortunate to have lots of lovely people in my circle, many of whom identify as feminists and I was interested in what their Christmases looked like.
So, are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s continue…
TELL ME A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.
I’m Kate Craig-Wood and I’m a technology entrepreneur. I’m the managing director of Memset, a family business founded and owned by my brother and I. As one of the tiny number of highly successful businesswomen in IT I try to be a bit of a role model and am a big advocate for getting more girls into science and technology where they are much needed!
I’m very aware that my approach to Christmas, and to my domestic arrangements for that matter, are opposite to the perceived (and, in my experience, common) societal norm of the woman doing the bulk of the present shopping. I attribute this in no small part to my upbringing. I am transgendered, and was raised as a boy, though I have always had a female brain. That is the nature of transsexuality: during gestation the brain differentiates one way and the body another.
Kate - minus Christmas hat...
In stark contrast to my sister I was brought up to be confident, assertive, comfortable with being the breadwinner and with delegating responsibilities. This is not to say I have always been in such a relationship dynamic; I’ve often been the “present buyer” in the past, but it does mean I do not feel restricted to that stereotypical role in the way that my little sister appears to. My partner, a student at present and himself unfettered by gender stereotypes, is happy to fulfill that role and I am very busy with work, so it makes sense. I firmly believe that if my sister had been afforded the same sort of upbringing as me she would not feel trapped into the often-stressful role of Christmas coordinator, but instead she struggles to ask her husband for help.
WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS AT CHRISTMAS?
Spending it with my family. Sadly I can’t have children of my own, but my brother and sister have six between them. Christmas is a time for me to spoil my nieces and nephews and usually ends up with me being knee deep in chocolate wrappers and lego!
WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT?
I’m fortunate to have a very organised boyfriend, with whom the stereotypical roles are very reversed – I’m the breadwinner and he takes care of the household and “detail”. This means that (with a little input from me) he takes care of the bulk of the Christmas shopping, and I just have to get things for him, my brother and my sister.
I’m showering him with gadgets this year: an Xbox Kinect, a big screen for his office (mainly for gaming), and some fancy headphones. For my brother, a deep intellectual, I’m getting a pile of books, the main being Stephen Wolfram’s A New Kind of Science.
The younger kids are fairly easy, especially the boys – lots of Star Wars Lego! Shopping for my older niece (14) and nephew (13) is getting harder, but anything from Superdry still seems to be in young-teen-vogue!
My sister is always the difficulty. A dedicated mum and thus something of a polar opposite to me as the career woman (we often joke how between us we have all the bases covered), there are only so many bits of jewelery, smellies and scarves one can buy her! She has been having a hard time lately, and we don’t spend enough time together, so this year I’ve decided to give her a shopping trip (so I can check she likes the things I get her first) and a spa day, also with me, plus various small bits.
HOW DO YOU BUY GIFTS?
I get the big items online, and leave the rest until the very last minute. Everyone thinks I’m mad to go Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve, but I find it works rather well for those stocking filler items. My local town centre is pretty quiet – the shops have plenty of stock since they are ready for the post-Christmas sales, and the time pressure really focuses the mind! Rather than visiting one shop, seeing something suitable, but then prevaricating, it forces one to be decisive then and there.
DO YOU FEEL ANY PARTICULAR PRESSURES OR RESPONSIBILITY AT THIS TIME OF YEAR?
Christmas’s approach tends to be generally stressful. We don’t tend to host over the period, going to those with children rather than them having to move the family to us, so it is not that, but more just a coincidence of deadlines. On the one hand there are presents to buy, which even with assistance I struggle to find time to do in advance, but it is more work and the business of transitioning a company from one financial year to the next with lots of people taking time off in between!
I know I will enjoy the festive period when I’m in it, but as with most holidays, the prospect of stepping away from my desk for a week or two causes undue worry. Since we provide 24/7 services I feel a responsibility to ensure that everything is in order ahead of this break in particular so that my customers and staff don’t end up having any unwanted interruptions to their holidays.
Feminist Family Christmas: Part Three
A few snapshots of different sorts of feminists, their families and the festive season. I’m fortunate to have lots of lovely people in my circle, many of whom identify as feminists and I was interested in what their Christmases looked like.
So, are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s continue…
TELL ME A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.
I’m John, 41 years old, white, middle class, single, hetero, male. I’m not sure if I’d call myself a feminist (due to a number of dissenting views as to whether men can be feminists or not) but I have seen the fnords, am aware of the knapsack I carry and try not to wave my privilege in people’s faces too much.
WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR CHRISTMAS?
Normally it would be visiting family – either parents or one of my two sisters and their families. But this year I have to work Christmas Eve and the thought of public transport and a suitcase on Dec. 24th fills me with a deep horror. So I’m going to visit friends in London for Christmas lunch. This has meant that all presents to family had to be dispatched early, so I’m in the enviable position of having bought all my gifts with a week to go.
WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT?
I have one nephew and four nieces, plus presents for sisters, parents and close friends. Books tend to figure highly on my present buying (and receiving) and Amazon makes everything easy – especially with wishlists. I’ve tried to stay away from stereotyped presents, but it’s difficult when a 6-year-old boy really wants a Nerf gun and his 5-year-old sister wants a mouse ballerina doll. With my elder nieces who are in their teens, it’s a bit easier – I can have a conversation with them more easily about what I’m happy buying for them. And luckily, neither of them particularly feel the need to ask for stereotypical presents – this year they’ve received iTunes vouchers (because they want to buy games for their iPod Touches) and a watch/clock that’s hopefully ‘cool’.
HOW DO YOU BUY GIFTS?
This year it’s been a combination of Amazon and other internet retailers, alongside the Brick Lane and Covent Garden markets. I like getting people presents that either I know they want (hence the joy of wishlists) or that I see and think “that would be perfect for …”. Almost everything has needed to be posted, which has meant small, durable presents.
DO YOU FEEL ANY PARTICULAR PRESSURE OR RESPONSIBILITY AT THIS TIME OF YEAR?
I’m feeling quite guilty about not seeing my parents, despite their reassurances that they understand and that they’re okay with me not travelling up. It’s something that highlights how different my life is from my dad’s – when he was 41 he had a wife, three kids, and was living in a different country to his parents (one of whom had already died). He didn’t have to travel ‘home’ for Christmas – he was home.
AND FINALLY…
I’m aware that I’m becoming the black sheep of the family. Both my sisters are married with kids; I’m single, run a cabaret occasionally, and still go clubbing regularly. But that gives me a degree of freedom to challenge the way that my nieces and nephew think, in ways their parents might not want to or be able to. I’ve had conversations with the elder nieces about gender specific clothing, kicked off by me mentioning that I’ve worn a skirt and makeup when I’ve been out clubbing, for example.
If I’m going to be the slightly weird uncle, better to use my powers for good, no?
Feminist Family Christmas: Part Two
A few snapshots of different sorts of feminists, their families and the festive season. I’m fortunate to have lots of lovely people in my circle, many of whom identify as feminists and I was interested in what their Christmases looked like.
So, are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s continue…
TELL ME A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.
My name is Stef O’Driscoll. I’m a young award-winning theatre director – I received Best Production at the Fringe Report Awards for my debut play Yard Gal in 2009. I’m artistic director of three companies: Sketchbook Productions, Inner City Theatre and Dirty Stop Out Productions. In my spare time I produce theatre and film. My goal is to make theatre accessible and enjoyable to everyone.
WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS AT CHRISTMAS?
I spend Christmas Eve with my dad, stepmum plus brothers and sisters on my dad’s side of the family. We go for a curry at my dad’s local Indian. I then spend Christmas Day at my dad’s house and then I have a second Christmas with my mum on Boxing Day. I’m lucky to have two Christmases!
WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT?
Not a lot as I have not had the time to do so yet – and I thought I would be clever and get presents online and then due to weather conditions Amazon still have not delivered what apparently has been dispatched two weeks ago!
HOW DO YOU BUY GIFTS?
Generally I ask what people want and try to get it if I really don’t have a clue what to buy them. I do enjoy getting presents that really suit the person I am buying for. I like to see people get excited or happy when they open presents. I avoid Oxford Street and will most probably leave it until Christmas Eve to get the majority of my presents!
There is a pressure to have money, to get good enough presents and to make up for the lack of time I spend with my family throughout the year.
AND FINALLY…
I wrap my Christmas presents in newspaper.
Feminist Family Christmas: Part One
A few snapshots of different sorts of feminists, their families and the festive season. I’m fortunate to have lots of lovely people in my circle, many of whom identify as feminists, and I was interested in what their Christmases looked like.
So, are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s begin.
TELL ME A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.
My name is Phopey and I am a 37-year-old black lesbian CP’d (Civil Partnership) mother. I have a keen interest in politics: I wanted to be an MP but am re-evaluating that, I think I can be more of an agitator on local level! My pet subject at the moment is healthcare but it used to be education. I participate in healthcare consultancy in three boroughs – any I can get into, I go. I’m learning. I want to understand the policies on a local level, rather than having a whip telling me what to do.
WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS AT CHRISTMAS?
I’ve got church on Christmas Eve, I work with a youth group at my church. We’re doing a modern nativity where carols will be rapped *laughter*. After service we will drive to my partner’s family and we spend Christmas with them.
WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT?
It’s a tough time. Everything you see is sickly and exaggerated. And so expensive! The essence of what Christmas is about, love and giving, is lost. I made my daughter make Christmas cards this year for friends and family.
When I thought about books, she had to have books – I don’t understand those children who just have toys. My daughter has her own books on a shelf in the lounge, at her eye level. So if I want a book for her, I have to bend down. It’s about language and communicating at her level, not mine. Right now, the important things are about her adjusting to what her world is like, but to be a successful person.
I’ve got a book about two gay swans who fall in love, I’ve got another that’s about a girl who is mixed race and brought up by her grandmother so she can understand different family make-ups. I have got one princess book but it’s about a pig that’s doing ballet. My absolute favourite is about God, but God is a woman it’s called Big Mamas love.
HOW DO YOU BUY TOYS?
I start from an educational basis. When I needed her to understand colour, I bought a psychedelic toy. I like toys to be natural and sustainable, I hate plastic toys. If possible someone has given them to us, I like them to have that spirit of love. That’s important to me. Every toy I get is about stretching her skills: it’s not about something that she can do already.
I have got her a dolls house, but I haven’t got traditional figures in it. My partner’s father made it and we chose the colours for the rooms together. She has a Sindy doll that lives in there, called Princess. Her Russian princess doll lives in there as well. The figures that live in there are non-traditional. She doesn’t own mum and dad dolls.
I don’t do Lego – I don’t understand why children build something to destroy it – if someone has any thoughts on that let me know! *laughs* I don’t do baby dolls and prams. That is the oldest game in the world – the oldest toy in the world is a baby doll. The first game a child plays is to roleplay their mother. Says a lot about our responsibility, if the mother gets it wrong, that’s diabolical.
DO YOU FEEL A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY?
Yes, my daughter is my partner’s egg. My partner is blonde with blue eyes. The donor is American Indian and Black American mix, born from me – a Black African woman. Whoa, have I got responsibility! *laughs* I chose that. Because I’m me, because I had the choice, and the dilemma was I wanted my wife’s child. I’d have to get donor sperm anyway. I watched a programme about surrogates and thought we could do that without giving the child back. We went to Harley Street and a very expensive time later she was born. I’ve got to make sure that everything around her is ordinary but unique.
WHAT PRESSURES HAVE YOU FELT?
I felt the pressure to normalise. I gave in to society’s pressure that she’s meant to eat all these sweet disgusting things. For the first two years she only ate things I made. I’ve also had people pressure me to not tell her how she was made: that she was such a mix. Because of British law, my partner had to formally adopt her, I have the rights over her, because I gave birth. Which is obviously an emotional trauma for my wife. Any legal moment I have to hand over my rights as a mother. But that’s changing, trust me!
WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ON TOYS FOR GIRLS?
Everything is pretty and plastic! In our society we’re all about facade, so toys are about that. Even baby dolls have designer Gap prams! None of the toys really build on that. It’s why I’m bringing her up Christian, I want her to have a sense of spirit and thinking about herself and consequences. The impact her actions have on people. I don’t think there’s any other way I can do that.
Team BadRep Do Christmas!
So, we don’t like the His ‘n’ Hers propaganda.
But what do we want for Christmas?
Left to right: I thought Fornarina's hyper-feminine snowlady was sort of cute, but Jen was severely unnerved; the xmas card I'm trying to avoid; M&S pops cooking on the right, and socks and Top Gear merch on the left.
Following on from Sarah’s post, I conducted a team survey. The result? The following peek into our own wishlists, plus our gift ideas for the friendly feminist in your life. It might be too late to order some items, but maybe we’ll spark an idea or two.
There’s a range of tastes in force at BR Towers, so in a way, conversely, this post stands as proof that categorising anyone by labels when it comes to predicting what they’ll like – even ‘feminist’ – is often a fool’s game. But what the hell. S’better than yer average “For Him! For Her!” Superdrug sleighbell slew, eh?
Turn up your recordings of Christmas Wrapping please, for…
TEAM BADREP’S FIRST EVER CHRISTMAS WISHLIST
JENNI says…
“This Hated By The Daily Mail T-shirt ‘s going right on my wishlist.” Wear with pride!
BPAL: mini sample bottles. They call 'em "imps' ears".
In the realm of traditional-lady-gifts, Jen recommends perfume… with a difference. Check out the eldritch alterna-goth world of Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. Refreshingly not taking an exclusively “for her” angle, their unisex scents are oil-based, concentrated and long-lasting, doubling as room-oils. You’ll not find descriptors like “polished metallic notes, glossy leather, and frankincense” down your local Boots! (Downsides? The site’s an arse to navigate – but persevere, it’s worth it – and you’ll need to email them and state you’re ordering from outside the US.)
HODGE says…
Where did she get that Greek Alphabet tea towel? Alas, the Cure-listening queen of the Alphabet of Femininism is keeping that one secret, but says of Women Who Read Are Dangerous, edited by Stefan Bollen, “This is a lovely book; got it for Christmas last year myself.” It’s a coffee-table compendium of art depicting women reading, accompanied by (says Amazon) “politely fiery text which serves to remind one that, in the not too dim and distant past, for a woman to be seen absorbed in a book was considered at best a selfish act and at worst a subversive one.”
What else? “For the parent, I’d say Noel Streatfeild’s Ballet Shoes (in its non-pink and sparkly format) is a wonderfully feminist work for kids – the men in it mostly just leave the women to become highly successful on their own, through education and hard work (don’t forget the shurely-lesbian Dr Jakes and Dr Smith). The fact that Petrova shuns the girly stuff and becomes a pilot is particularly pleasing.”
SARAH C says…
After initially considering the perfume-pants-and-shoes ladypresent tropes for a moment,
SHINY.
Sarah will happily accept the shoes, as long as they’re a shiny, stompy set of Doc Martens. Pants? Well, if you must, what about Who Made Your Pants, a women’s collective who make sexy underwear ethically from offcuts? Or if there’s gotta be a romance novel, let’s make it an interesting one, like The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters.
SARAH J says…
“Anne Taintor magnets! Examples here, here, and [fave: make your own damn dinner] here. Or there’s this ‘‘Reading is Sexy’ T-shirt …”
Anything else? “Sticker Sisters do lots of cool things.” Agreed – try these ‘Action Not Glamor’ shoelaces for size. Or the corresponding tee! (US spelling; universal sentiment.) Or this ‘Brave Girl’ tee!
Finally, Sarah reckons you could do worse than pop one of the Alanna books by Tamora Pierce in someone’s Christmas stocking – “They’re for children/teens, but I don’t think they hold up too badly for adults who want a right-on but undemanding fantasy read. There’s a magic cat, a lot of sword fighting and a surprisingly healthy and sensible attitude to sex. Here’s the first one (of four) on Amazon.”
STEPHEN B says…
“I want to buy everyone the Avatar: The Last Airbender TV series boxset. (And I mean everyone: boys, girls, geeks, non-geeks, everyone else, it’s good for all.) Not the movie, no.”
Anything else? “Membership to the UK Wolf Conservation Trust. You can go for walks in the forest with wolves. Yes, really.”
MARKGRAF says…
“Picture books! I love picture books. Didn’t you love them as a child? Who didn’t! What’s going on with us stopping reading them, then? It’s nonsense. Picture books are the greatest, and there’s a whole world of completely fabulous queer-friendly picture books out there that I just wish I’d had as a kid. But now we’re adults and we get to spend how we like… and one of those ways can be picture books. Because we can. Here’s a little selection of my favourites…”
And Tango Makes Three: “You’ll have heard of this one, presumably. It was banned in some schools in America. It’s a book about penguins who love each other – also, it’s based on a true story. And it was banned because the penguins who love each other are boys! What an amazing world we live in.”
King And King: “I bought this straight out before I read it because it sounded so perfect. It is indeed perfect. I cried all over it and I’m not even ashamed to say so. It’s one of the reasons I’m not allowed in childrens’ book sections any more.”
10,000 Dresses: “I want this so badly I don’t even know what to do with myself. I can’t give you a full précis of it because I haven’t read it yet! But it came to me highly recommended, and frankly, we need trans visibility that isn’t risible or offensive. Yeah!”
RHIAN says…
I task Rhian, fresh from her recent post on punk, and now the latest addition to our team (YEAH) with providing a music recommendation. I’m not disappointed.
“Hmm. How about the Indelicates album, Songs for Swinging Lovers? Based not only on Julia Indelicate being one of the most incisively outspoken radical feminists currently hammering a keyboard, but also on the band’s method of DIY distribution which means you can officially pay what you like, including zero, to download their stuff. The album is available here.”
I say…
What about a vintage poster? Casual misogyny may be rife in wartime propaganda, but you can’t beat Rosie the Riveter, co-opted for years as a feminist icon, for a bit of wallspiration. We can do it! Here’s a page of posters featuring Rosie-related imagery. Or you could boldly brave the Imperial War Museum shop, bypassing the more patronising end of the poster archive (I’m looking at you, Keep Mum, she’s not so dumb), for this mighty number, which is up on the wall at BR Towers.
Readables? I dig Alison Bechdel‘s autobiographical Fun Home (Jen also attests to this, as I threw it her way in November for her birthday). Or how about recent Booker-scooper Hilary Mantel’s haunting novel Beyond Black, which features a complex pair of women at its centre, one of whom is psychic? Or the book which reminded us to get off our arses and start this site, Reclaiming the F-Word?
NOTHING NOT TO LOVE.
Or check out the Museum of London shop in person for this badass suffragette sketchbook ‘n’ tote bag, pictured above. Warning, I’m not sure if they still have it; I’ve looked online, but I can’t find it. Hopefully they’ve not run out…
Whatever you’re up to, have a good one!
– Team BadRep
Can you send an extra card this holiday season?
I am only a member of two charities. One of them is the WWF, which I don’t preach about too much – a desire for all those beautiful animals we’ve got on this planet to still be there when I look for them tomorrow could be described as a selfish desire, when there are so many other good causes out there.
Then there is human rights charity Amnesty International, which I will happily preach about and never stop. They’re a human rights campaign group who work to peacefully protect the rights set out in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights for everyone in the world.
Every year around Christmas time they run their Greeting Cards Campaign. This isn’t about wishing prisoners of conscience a Merry Christmas – not all of these countries celebrate Christmas. It’s about encouraging supporters, at a time when lots of people are sending cards anyway, to send messages of support to someone who is in danger or unjustly imprisoned, or otherwise in need of Amnesty’s help.
A criticism I’ve often heard is “What can a simple Christmas card do?” A fair question – when some of these people are being tortured or under threat of execution, what good is a piece of folded card with a picture of a kitten wearing a Santa hat really going to do for them?
Well, for a method of peaceful protest, quite a lot, actually. Especially when that card is in a post bag with one thousand, two thousand others.
Some of these people are trapped in prison cells, with very little contact with the outside world, and these cards tell them, “We’re here, we care, we support you, and we’re doing what we can to get you out.”
Some of these people, the campaign groups under threat of violence, the families of those who have disappeared or been unjustly killed, are already working with Amnesty International. They know who we are, they’ve met Amnesty representatives in their country, but these messages will show them just how many people they’ve got on their side.
Some of these people may not even SEE their cards. The prison may not deliver them. But for the prison staff, the regime, the guards who might be having doubts about whether this is right or good or whether they’re going to get blamed for this one day if the people in power change, the message will have been delivered. “The rest of the world is watching.”
Watch this interview with former Guantánamo Bay prisoner Omar Deghayes, The Power of Letter-Writing, if you’re not convinced.
There have been thirty-two individuals and groups highlighted this year who need your support. Each has a page on the website dedicated to them, with an address for sending cards, so you can pick one address or several. Cases of particular interest to Bad Reputation readers might be the Women’s Rehabilitation Centre in Nepal (WOREC) or Women of Zimbabwe Arise (WOZA) or the Seven Prisoners of Conscience in Syria in prison for five to seven years for -oh wait- publishing pro-democracy articles on the internet. That’s Bad Reputation: The Syria Edition put to rest, then.
You might not agree with all thirty-two cases; activism against the death penalty (as in the case of Troy Davis) is an issue that divides many people, but remember the right to life and the right to be free from inhuman, cruel and degrading punishment are important parts of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
It may be too late now to send a card that will arrive in time for the 25th of December, but a general message of support will be appreciated at any time. If you have already sent a card, there are links on every page, (Already Sent A Card?) where you can write to politicians, ambassadors, and other people with power over the lives of others and express your thoughts on each case.
To find out more about Amnesty’s work, check out their website, follow them on Twitter @AmnestyUK or subscribe to one of their RSS feeds, such as this one on Women’s Rights or this one on LGBT rights all over the world.