12 Things I Wish I’d Known About Love A Decade Ago: Redux

Ripping the piss out of women’s magazines and their litany of “get thin! buy shoes! value yourself for you!” instruction is a fond feminist past-time. But in the spirit of investigative journalism / having nothing better to do I decided to find out if it was possible to extract any useful advice from them.

It’s buried beneath a ton of heteronormative guff of course, and qualified with asides that stab at your gendersense, but I believe it is possible to extract nuggets of common sense from the pages of glossy fashion shoots and ‘What is your spirit handbag?’ quizzes.

So, here is my attempt to rework “12 Things I Wish I’d Known About Love A Decade Ago”, which featured in a recent issue of a popular women’s mag.

1) Never underestimate the importance of being ‘interesting’.

You owe it to yourself (and the men you date) to have a life of your own. So find some hobbies. In my mid-twenties, I made a guy my hobby. When he dumped me, partly because he felt smothered, I had to get a life… Now, when I’m on a date and I read the menu in an Italian accent, or I smile when I talk about my ballet class, guys really eat it up.

I say:

Never underestimate the importance of being interesting.

Sigh. Where do I even start with this one? Don’t be interesting for ‘the men you date’, be interesting for the sake of the rest of humanity. It’ll be better for you too, I promise – it irritates me when I think of all the hours I spent a decade ago trying to look beautiful when I could have been doing things I actually enjoyed instead. Being interesting lasts longer than beauty and it will win you friends as well as lovers.

2) There’s a fine line between teasing a man and criticising him.

I used to fall into this bad habit of extreme flirting by teasing. One time, I told an older guy who’d had a skiing accident that he was ‘damaged goods’, and I’d need to trade him in for a ‘younger model’. He looked at me like I’d just kicked his puppy…

I say:

There’s a fine line between teasing someone and criticising them.

I can see the sense of this one, I’ve fallen into a similar habit myself. The right kind of teasing is plenty fun of course, but if you’re in any kind of relationship with someone then the very least you can do is be careful with their feelings.

3) You will probably never fully understand men. So just try to understand yourself.

I say:

You will probably never fully understand people. But try to understand yourself.

If you’re feeling up to it you can try and imagine what someone may be thinking or feeling. And if you’re ready for Advanced Interpersonal Skills you can even ask them.

4) Knowing how to cook: helpful.

I see now that it would have won me points. When I was 21, I said to my flatmate, “I’ve bought a bag of tortellini. How do I boil water?” She told me “Make it bubble.” And, for years, that was all I knew how to do. If I’d had any idea how much men savour a woman who cooks – even if they’re great cooks themselves – I would’ve asked for more tips.

I say:

Knowing how to cook more than the author of this article did at 21: essential.

OK, EVERYONE who is physically and mentally capable of doing so should know how to boil water. Not so men can ‘savour’ it, but so you have some basic life skills. Jeez.

5) Your wants and needs are just as important as his.

And if you don’t express them because you think that doing so will scare him away, then you’re saying you don’t count as much as he does.

I say:

Your wants and needs are just as important as your partner’s (or partners’)

And if you don’t express them because you think that doing so will scare them away, then you’re saying you don’t count as much as they do.

(See what I did there? Fun with pronouns!)

6) We see what we want to see (and ignore the bad signs)

It’s… possible to convince yourself that a guy who is acting distant and cold is doing so because he’s overwhelmed by love. But he isn’t; he’s acting distant and cold because he is distant and cold. Wish I’d known that.

I say:

We see what we want to see (and ignore the bad signs)

True, I think. You can convince yourself of virtually anything if you want it badly enough, or the truth is too painful to admit. In my experience you will go on believing it until something shakes you out of it but that’s not very advice-y. So, um: try and be honest with yourself and get a second opinion from someone you trust. And eat lots of fruit and veg.

7) Things change once you’re naked.

This one truly would have changed my life if I’d known it back when I started having sex: sleeping with him doesn’t give you power. It’s not sleeping with him that does. Power to decide how quickly things happen; power to make him want you desperately; power to keep your clothes on if you so choose.

I say:

Have sex when everyone involved is ready.

… whether that’s after you’ve been married for 20 years or 30 seconds after you lock eyes across a crowded bus stop. And if you don’t feel you have a say in how quickly things happen, or that you can choose to keep your clothes on, then dear god don’t sleep with this person (unless it’s in that ‘ooh I fancy you so much I’ve lost control but actually I haven’t really’ way). Those things are up to you anyway, you don’t need to bargain for them.

8) Being worshipped isn’t all that.

You’ll go nuts if he’s absolutely devoted. So let him have a boys’ night or throw himself into work.

I say:

Being worshipped can get pretty boring. Unless that’s your thing.

Once all your insecurities have been soothed by someone who adores your every atom you’ll probably find it gets dull having someone who will never challenge you. Though of course if you’re looking for a slave then hey, have fun.

9) How much men will talk about marriage.

I’ve heard hypothetical wedding plans from several men I’ve been involved with – sometimes on the first date! Yet I’ve never been married. Why do guys tease so? Simple: even honest men like to tell you what they think you want to hear… So don’t indulge in wedding daydreams; it’s not worth the clouded perspective.

I say:

If you want to get married then wait til you find someone you actually want to marry and ask them. If they say yes they probably want to marry you as well. If you can’t find anyone you want to marry that wants to marry you then I would recommend not getting married.

Got that? Can we stop discussing it now?

10) Don’t be cynical.

These days, I try not to roll my eyes at Public Displays of Affection, or join ‘all men are crap’ conversations. Bitterness is unattractive.

I say:

Be realistic. Don’t be sexist.

Don’t join ‘all men are crap’ conversations. They’re as stupid as ‘all women are crap’ conversations and they won’t fix anything. And I wouldn’t worry about faking mindless cheery optimism all the time lest eligible men think you’re a poisonous old hag – turns out plenty of people don’t mind bitterness and in fact it can become a satisfying shared hobby.

11) Sometimes, guys flirt with you because it makes them feel good about themselves.

(Hey, we do it too.) This is also the ‘aha!’ explanation for the men who asked for your number but didn’t call. Idiots.

I say:

Sometimes people flirt because it makes them feel good about themselves.

In other news: sometimes people don’t mean what they say. If they are wearing a Slytherin scarf or an eye-patch you should be particularly careful.

12) Don’t compare yourself to your friends.

Some of them will settle down before you. Mine have been getting married steadily for the past decade. At some point, I started to feel different, and that was a new and uncomfortable feeling for me. Rather than get anxious about it, I’ve tried to remind myself that it’s not a race. Even if you’ve always been first in buying a flat or landing your dream career, you could be the last in marrying.

I say:

Don’t compare yourself to your friends, or to people on TV, in Tesco or in women’s magazines.

Because you’re different people, remember? They have this habit of doing different things, at different times and for different reasons. And more importantly, beware of women’s magazine articles that insinuate that marriage is the goal of everyone’s life, and that if there are no nuptial omens in your tea leaves then you should feel anxious. Bullshit.