{"id":9846,"date":"2012-02-21T09:00:49","date_gmt":"2012-02-21T09:00:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.badreputation.org.uk\/?p=9846"},"modified":"2012-02-21T09:00:49","modified_gmt":"2012-02-21T09:00:49","slug":"guest-post-shut-up-juliet-why-this-rose-is-thinking-of-keeping-her-name","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/badreputation.org.uk\/2012\/02\/21\/guest-post-shut-up-juliet-why-this-rose-is-thinking-of-keeping-her-name\/","title":{"rendered":"[Guest Post] Shut Up Juliet: Why This Rose Is Thinking of Keeping Her Name"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the second of my guest series<\/a> on the trials of being a feminist while getting married<\/a>, I\u2019m going to take a look at dealing with people\u2019s expectations when you’re not going along with even the most mainstream of wedding traditions. For example, not taking his name (or hers).<\/p>\n

\"Photo<\/a>

Photo by flickr user ninasaurusrex<\/p><\/div>\n

Oh, it\u2019s a little thing, I grant you. One word. And it\u2019s so innocuous that most people don\u2019t even think it\u2019s an issue. When we got engaged, we got cards addressed to \u2018The Future Mr & Mrs HisLastName\u2019. One friend remarked she couldn\u2019t wait to address her first Christmas card to \u2018the HisLastNames\u2019. Another asked if we were looking forward to be announced at our reception as \u2018Mr and Mrs HisLastName\u2019. Each time, I\u2019m afraid I’ve shot them down brusquely \u2013 even though I\u2019m still deciding what to do.<\/p>\n

Why? Well, for starters, I\u2019ve had 30 years of being Lizzie MyLastName, not Lizzie His. It sounds weird to me, like I\u2019m playacting someone else. I\u2019d have to change my passport, my bills, my driver\u2019s licence, my personal emails, my work email, my Facebook – it\u2019s too much damn work. And the biggest reason for my uncertainty: why should I have to literally rename myself to my husband\u2019s last name when I get married? What\u2019s so special about him? (Note: Obviously he\u2019s very special or I wouldn\u2019t be marrying him, yadda yadda don\u2019t take the ring back).<\/p>\n

The looks and comments I get when I say these things are rooted in blustering British patriarchal tradition. I\u2019ve had \u2018But that\u2019s just what you do<\/em>\u2019, \u2018Just change it in your personal life, you don\u2019t have to change your professional name\u2019 and \u2018But don\u2019t you want<\/em> the same name as your husband and children?\u2019.<\/p>\n

Um, maybe, if I planned on having any children. But he could change his name. My name is perfectly lovely. And quite frankly, if we did have kids, plenty of people would call me Mrs HisLastName without me ever having to change it. And for the person who said \u2018But that\u2019s just what you do\u2019 (hi, mum! I forgive you because you gave birth to me), we used to put lead in cans, but hey, we changed our way of doing things! As Lucy Mangan said<\/a>, \u201cI\u2019ve only known him six years. How come he gets to obliterate my history?\u201d<\/p>\n

So, what to do? If I don\u2019t want to change my name to his, equally he doesn\u2019t want to change it to mine. People have suggested hyphenating, which is what we would usually do \u2013 but alas, our name is a spoonerism<\/a> that equates to \u2018a bird\u2019s balls\u2019, so that\u2019s not the ideal option after all. I quite like the idea of portmanteau<\/a>-ing our name because it sounds like \u2018Baroque\u2019; clearly the most awesome outcome. But he thinks that sounds a bit fake. So, future husband and I are on a quest to find a new name that we can both change to. And in an example of patriarchy working for women instead of against them, this is easier and cheaper for me to do. He has to change it by deed poll \u2013 I just have to sign my new name on the marriage licence.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m secretly convinced that this will not happen. Family pressure will mean he keeps his name \u2013 plus, his profession of author spills into his personal life, so changing his surname is not the most sensible thing to do. And my name actually sounds great with his last name. But while it doesn\u2019t make a whole lot of logical sense to insist on keeping one man\u2019s name (my father\u2019s) instead of taking another\u2019s, equally I don\u2019t want to have a visible sign that I am subsuming my identity into his and becoming \u2018the wife\u2019. I\u2019m sure we will make a decision \u2013 but more late night discussions and trying out new signatures may be required.<\/p>\n