{"id":9523,"date":"2012-01-26T09:00:13","date_gmt":"2012-01-26T09:00:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.badreputation.org.uk\/?p=9523"},"modified":"2012-01-26T09:00:13","modified_gmt":"2012-01-26T09:00:13","slug":"guest-post-im-not-an-unwanted-gift-the-problems-with-being-given-away","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/badreputation.org.uk\/2012\/01\/26\/guest-post-im-not-an-unwanted-gift-the-problems-with-being-given-away\/","title":{"rendered":"[Guest Post] I’m Not An Unwanted Gift: The Problems With Being Given Away"},"content":{"rendered":"

I write this article with the full caveat that I am a princess-loving, giant-dress-craving reader of copious wedding magazines and probably not what people would instantly think of when they think \u2018feminist bride\u2019. Most people would think of someone like the Rock \u2018n\u2019 Roll Bride<\/a>, for example. They wouldn\u2019t think of someone who made a beeline for the veils at her first wedding show and who is collating, not a mood board, but an entire mood album<\/em> to show suppliers the things I like.<\/p>\n

\"Black<\/a>But feminists come in many shapes and sizes and while the froo-froo shit doesn\u2019t bother me in weddings (although really, someone tell me why you would spend money on wedding favours instead of booze?), there are a couple of traditions that I\u2019m having trouble swallowing. I\u2019m talking about being given away. This is actually really stressful for me, because I\u2019m torn between duty\/love and wanting to remain true to myself. It\u2019s tradition that the bride\u2019s father gives her away. Sometimes, if he isn\u2019t available, it\u2019s her brother or uncle, or her mother. In Jewish tradition it is both her parents. And I sodding hate the entire idea.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s only in recent years that we primarily started marrying for love. Back in Ye Olden DayesTM<\/sup>, people married for financial security, or because their families had arranged it. Brides came with dowries of land, money, and\/or resources and grooms came with significant presents to her family. To show that the head of the family (the dad) was satisfied, the bride would be handed over on her wedding day by her father to show that she was no longer his property and was now the responsibility of the groom\u2019s family.<\/p>\n

Ick.<\/p>\n

The very thought of this makes my skin crawl. I don\u2019t understand why I can\u2019t walk down the aisle myself, head high as I approach my future husband – my own agency, my own choice, nothing to do with being someone\u2019s chattel. I even like the idea, becoming more common in America, of meeting your betrothed at the entrance of your ceremony venue, having a private moment and then walking in together. You are, after all, entering the married state together, so why not the church or hall?<\/p>\n

But. There\u2019s a but. In that I know my dad has always planned on walking me down the aisle. I mean, it\u2019s not like he\u2019s been fantasising about it since I was seven, but it was taken as fact that that\u2019s what I\u2019d have. And while he\u2019s said to me he doesn\u2019t mind what I do at my wedding and that he doesn\u2019t even have to be invited, I can\u2019t quite get to the point of saying \u2018No, dad, I don\u2019t want you to walk me down the aisle\u2019. For one thing, he\u2019s my dad and he\u2019s been damn supportive of me, so making him happy with this one thing should be a compromise I\u2019m willing to make. For another, I may need someone to lean on so I don\u2019t wobble with nerves, or panic, or booze (fuck yeah, Dutch courage!). And part of me thinks \u2018aww\u2019 when I envision his face as he walks me down the aisle and I face my fianc\u00e9. We\u2019re not having a traditional ceremony so there will be no \u2018who gives this woman\u2019 because no one does \u2013 so surely it won\u2019t matter that much.<\/p>\n

So with all these reasons, why does my stomach clench when I think about it? Why do I actively fret over this very simple, 30 second task that is dwarfed by the lifetime vows I\u2019m going to make five minutes afterwards? Do what I want, and I have to deal with a hurt father and guilt \u2013 do what will make him happy and I feel like a fake. It\u2019s a conundrum and one I\u2019m not sure I know how to answer. I\u2019m hoping wisdom and clarity will come to me sometime this year.<\/p>\n

(Photo: Phil Hawksworth<\/a>.)<\/em><\/p>\n