Boom. Boom. Boom.

There was literally nothing from the trailer for Sucker Punch that I didn’t squee with joy over and clap my hands like a small child about. I was so excited. It was as if someone had written down a big list of “things Sarah likes” and then made a film of it. It even had reams of clockwork, zombie nazis mowed down by women with Really Big Guns. Get in.

I bought a vast tub of popcorn and settled down gleefully to absorb the aural extravaganza of a super-cooltasm created Just For Me.

Except…

…I hated it.

…Really hated it.

Sucker Punch is like a blind date who is perfect on paper but in the flesh there’s just no spark. Worse, they are annoying, their opinions and anecdotes are unfunny, meandering nonsense and they lied about how tall they were (I’m 5’9″, this matters). You spend the whole, pitiful date alternately bored and clockwatching or actively fighting down the urge to laugh out loud in mild hysterics at the awfulness of the situation.

The plot is a pile of garbage, which given Zack Snyder directed (300, anyone?) I was sort of expecting. But I at least wanted to be entertained. This was never going to be high art, but it was beyond mindless. I’m summarising for the sake of summarising because the plot is basically irrelevant, consisting of pointless scenes in which the unfortunate actors mug badly scripted dialogue whilst sobbing through mascara until the next fight happens.

So, “plot”.

There’s this girl called Baby Doll (don’t ask) who is put into an asylum due to Evil Male Relative Action (don’t ask). She uses her Sexy Magic Hypno Dance (don’t ask) to summon up a Mystical Goffick World in which other scantily clad women – who may or may not be aspects of either her OR of another girl called Sweet Pea (don’t ask) – Fight Their Demons (like, totally deep, meaningful metaphor, whoa) and Collect Quest Items under the tutelage of Replacement Male Figure (don’t ask). Eventually after many tears, violence, death and bullets, one of them escapes. I think.

TL;DR: Some Kinda OK Fight Scenes Happen. Women Cry Lots. The End.

Like the crap date, the film reeked of desperately wanting to be clever, ironic, sexy and cool. It was none of those things. It wasn’t even a good, silly action film. And I like good, silly action films. The fight scenes were very fast and quite short so you didn’t get any sense of excitement or drama from the battles: they focused on the look of the costumes and scenery rather than the actual fighting.

The whole thing was tedious in a watching-someone-else-play-a-computer-game way. You watched, but didn’t really engage. There was no tension of any sort, at any point. I had no feelings nor empathy for any of the supposed “characters”. Even in the brief moments when I was vaguely aware of what was going on, or why, I just didn’t care. The exception was one tiny scene between the Doctor/Madam and the Pimp/Asylum Owner. Needless to say, this minor moment only served to remind me of what I wanted the film to be like.

I exited the cinema feeling horribly disappointed (to the point of anger), let down, and deeply confused. You see, not only did the film contain all of the things that I liked and I still hated it – but half of the people I was with really enjoyed it. The other half, like me, hated it. There were arguments on the tube ride home. Maybe it’s a Marmite thing.

I hate Marmite.

It's a close run thing, but I would probably rather eat all this than watch that film again

Like a trauma victim (and speaking of which, this film contains pretty much every abuse trigger in existence handled with the tact and sensitivity of a brick in a sock), I am now trying to post-rationalise the film into being less awful.

The effort of trying to think of any way in which the film is “acceptable” or “average” or even merely “an alright way to pass the time if you are really bored” is beyond me. I’m too angry.

My poor, betrayed brain mourns the loss of the film it wanted to see. The film that was screaming quietly inside, trying to get out.

Like me in the cinema.

Writing this post has actually been somewhat cathartic and therapeutic, so thank you for being there for me during this terrible moment in my life. And for understanding. It’s appreciated. I’m actually starting to feel a little better for having relieved myself of this weight and have begun, a little, to think of the positive sides. Like that I don’t need to see it again. And that really it was just a big, long, not-very-good trailer for the computer game. Which I am looking forward to. The acting will probably be better.

Oh yeah, and like a really unironic sucker punch (geddit?) I’ve just realised that this film totally passes Bechdel. Yeah. Woo. Way to perfectly prove that just because there’s more than one female character and that they manage to talk to each other doesn’t mean it’s any bloody good. Or even particularly feminist. Which this film isn’t, by the way.

Fortunately, it is such utter drivel that it won’t register as meaningfully anti-feminist because nothing it contains is meaningful or worth registering.

YOU SHOULD SEE THIS FILM BECAUSE:

• You like Marmite.
• Um… Dragons? For a few minutes, anyway.
• … by reading this review you accept that I have warned you to the best of my ability, and do not blame me for wasting your time and money.

YOU SHOULD NOT SEE THIS FILM BECAUSE:

• You will be sad over all the things it could have been.
• You are tired of explaining to fellow cinema-goers that women dressed in their sexy pants fighting evil doers is not “empowering”.
• You will then have to watch Warlock: The Armageddon, which I am reliably informed is actually the worst fantasy film ever made, in order to be able to rank Sucker Punch against this grim standard.
• If we give that man any more money, he might make another just like it.