Final Round: What are you wearing?

Miranda: Before we answer this question, I have to say I was almost tempted by this, the most surreal thing Yandy has ever spawned. I give you ARCADE CUTIE. So unhinged I might actually wear it.

Look at the FACIAL EXPRESSION on the skirt. The skirt is actually embarrassed to be part of the outfit, which contains not one but THREE STRATEGICALLY PLACED FACES. It’s even better than Boob Fury. Absolutely blew me away in the sheer entropic blaze of its own wrong-glory. Katy Perry has nothing on it. But anyway, what are we all wearing? I suspect almost none of us are going down the off-the-peg costume route?

Sarah J: I’m going to two parties so I’m attempting to combine the themes The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe and Le Tigre into one outfit. I haven’t really worked out how yet, but I think I’ll probably be Riot Lucy (who looks pretty similar to Manda Rin from Bis).

Miranda: Alternate-Universe Lucy, who survives that horrible train crash in The Last Battle! Maybe you’re undead, too, and vowing revenge on CS Lewis for such a terrible plotting decision.

Jenni: I was actually the wardrobe from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe one year at school.

Miranda: I dressed up as Anne Bonny last year. Needless to say, I did not use a shop-bought costume. Pirates do particularly badly in terms of costume-shop gender separation – all the women’s clothes are labelled “VIXEN PIRATE”, “WENCH PIRATE”, “MAIDEN PIRATE”, and so on, while the dudes get to be “CUT THROAT JACK”. So I just bought some plastic pistols and raided Age Concern. There was slightly more boob-coverage going on than in this 1700s etching. This year I think I’m going more trad-gothic-novel-heroine, but hopefully with an impressive amount of lace and waft.

Rhian: My Halloween costumes tend to be ridiculous rather than sexy – in the past five years I’ve dressed as Terry Hall (incredibly vague tangential ‘Ghost Town’ joke), Patrick Bateman once, and Thatcher twice. Last year I had an entire party themed around Tory/Coalition Horror, but I fully accept that’s just me being slightly self-parodic. I don’t think I’ve ever knowingly done Sexy!Halloween, it feels like a bit of a cop-out almost in the dressing-up stakes (as in, I’d far rather someone react to me with ‘That’s really funny’ than ‘Wow, you look hot’).

Jenni: Your predilection for dressing as Thatcher has always worried me, Rhian.

Markgraf: As I warned at the start of this chat, I’m going as a sexed-up Misdreavus. That’s a Pokemon. And I’m not even sorry. I love the shit out of Hallowe’en, and dressing up, and monsters, and bodypaint, and Pokemon, and horrible outfits that try to be sexy but aren’t. I love the former five for obvious reasons, but I love the latter because they’re so incongruous. I mean, sexy takeaway food? What the fuck? The allure of dressing as a tarted-up cartoon ghost from a videogame with the assistance of stripper heels and bodypaint is always going to be too much for me to resist. Also, I’m a boy. Hyper-femme incongruous drag is something I can pull off. So why not? Halloween is for dressing up as things that’ll impress or terrify, and I can’t think of anything more impressive and terrifying than sexy Pokemon cosplay in little more than paint and a wig.

Miranda: Thatcher, a sexed-up Pokemon, and Riot Grrrl CS Lewis. We know how to party in here. How do I compete? Maybe I’ll just build some kind of furry several-headed contraption that fits over my shoulders and just go as Three Wolf Moon.

Jenni: Or the Pixar lamp.

Miranda: That person wins the entire internet.

Rob: Well, I was going to dress as a pumpkinhead – as in, I am going to hollow out a pumpkin and wear it on my head – but this whole exchange is making me think maybe I should sex it up a bit. Me, with a pumpkin on my head… and a bikini.

Happy Halloween from Team BadRep!

Round Two: Sassy, Sassy Superheroes

Jenni: I demand to know what the costume designers were thinking when they called these travesties Captain America costumes, or Ninja Turtle or Wolverine costumes. I mean, I don’t think you could get into a S.H.I.E.L.D. base dressed like that and claim to be Cap. Masters of disguise, these costume makers are not.

But you look nothing LIKE Wolverine!

I was the kid who thought ‘shoddy work’ when comic book inkers coloured in panels of Wolverine’s costume the wrong colour. What do you expect will be my reaction when you try to sell me that and call it a Wolverine costume? The only time I’ve seen a male superhero wear a skirt that short was when Deadpool put on Jean Grey’s costume and insisted he was an X-Man.

Rob: Just for the record, I’m planning to do that particular Deadpool outfit for a convention next summer.

Markgraf: Fuck NEXT SUMMER, do it for THIS WEEKEND!

Miranda: This Green Lantern one’s not so bad. Good: it still has those huge abs printed on it! No toning down the muscle power for the ladies. Less good: The lines on the front come over like a bra made out of sinew. Even She-Hulk does not possess this feature.

Sarah J: Sassy Thor Girl is quite amusing. The Mighty Avenger! It’s the coy way she’s cradling the hammer that makes it. And her angry thunder god fluffy boot-tops. Are they intended to represent clouds? Anyway, I think this is one example among thousands of the failure to translate power from a masculine to a feminine character. Thor is big and strong and powerful! Look at his beard, muscles and giant throbbing hammer! Thor Girl is… er… sexy? Sassy? Look at her fluffy boots of death!

Sassy!

Miranda: Yes! The failure to translate power thing you just said? I think that nails it. Look at how Marvin-Martian-girl has no war helmet. Also, I find it really weird how these manufacturers seem to think adding heels to things in the promo shots is logical – the worst offender by far is this shot of a Neytiri from Avatar costume. That character lives in a rainforest, rides a psychic dinosaur and is part of a tribe considering waging a war, in effect, on consumerism. The electric blue stilettoes scream “just took that dinosaur on a sweet trip to Topshop”. Which sort of ruins the whole nature-hippy vibe.

Rob: Also, this seems relevant.

Miranda: Yes. This is all, really, less about Halloween specifically and more about general societal trends around gender and bodies and clothing writ large. Why are we meant to be so uncomfortable with male flesh on display in this way? Sexy male costumes do exist, but they tend to be seen as much more out of place at a general house party than a woman in stockings and suspenders.

Jenni: By the way, I think these posters are amazing. They were created by STARS – Students Teaching Against Racism, at Ohio University, and I think they really get the point across about cultural appropriation and racism at costume parties.

Sarah J: Those posters are ace.

Miranda: Yes. Yet another reason why Sexy Chinese Takeaway should just go on fire.

Jenni: Take Back Halloween and their well-researched selection of costume ideas are still going strong, judging by this appearance on The Mary Sue. I mentioned them in the Halloween post I made on BR last year. Goddesses, queens, warriors and pirates – all costumes I’d consider!

Miranda: And for everything else, there’s always Angry Birds, which is just bringing everyone together in a transcendently glorious sexy-free world of cushioning and big eyebrows.

NEXT: What we’re wearing, and our absolute favourite WTF costume Yandy.com has yet spewed into the world

Round One: Marvin the Martian and the Furious Boobs

Miranda: So I thought we could look at what’s on sale for Halloween this year. Jen sent me this from io9. It’s titled “this year’s sluttiest and weirdest store-bought Halloween costumes”, and while I’d question the use of “slutty” perhaps, the point stands: the gulf between MAN SUIT and LADY VERSION (for we are in polarised gender binary land forever, of course) here is… well, case in point, Marvin the Martian. Are you a man? Then your eyes go on your HEAD! Are you a woman? Then your eyes go on your TITS! That is the WAY THINGS ARE DONE AROUND HERE, PLEASE LINE UP TO PAY.

Jenni: I think it’s very considerate of them to leave out the leggings on the ladies’ costume. “Girls! Want to show off your new spray-tan and waxed-smooth legs yet STILL want to dress as a cartoon Martian? This costume is for you. Men, nobody wants to see your legs. They must be covered at all times. Put them away.”

Miranda: I mean, Marvin’s key features include his very engulfing polo neck. But why bother with that “recognisable” shit when you can STICK EYES ON YOUR BOOBULARS.

Sarah J: You know, I almost – almost – like this one. Of course the woman’s costume is barely recognisable as Marvin anyway, but without the boots, hat and gun you’ve got a pretty awesome boobfurious dress that says: ‘Yes, my breasts hate you’. Perfect for so many occasions! Whereas the romano-cyber-sportswear interpretation the man’s wearing looks kind of rubbish.

Miranda: I can definitely get behind the Boob Fury interpretation. Maybe I was being too harsh.

Markgraf: The thing Halloween costumes highlight for me every year is how no-one knows how the fuck to dress men. Women, in this ciscentric, binarist view of costuming, have sections: boobs, waist, arse and legs. And you can section costumes accordingly to highlight whichever of these areas you prefer. But men, right, they HAVE no areas! They’re just… a long rectangle! What the fuck are you meant to do with that?! I feel the costumier’s despair wafting out of my monitor like the sad back end of a horse. It’s the same school of thought that leads cybergoth fashion to dress women like awesome robots from the future crossed with angry Christmas trees, and men in a t-shirt and jeans (but black, and with rubber bits on). Men have sections as well, on account of also possessing a skeleton and body mass! And they can get away with showing off more skin, too, because man nipples are inexplicably inoffensive. It’s not hard, designers! Don’t let society rule you! Go for it! Break free of the top-half-bottom-half block painting of menswear! Give us thigh-high things and stuff to show off our shoulders! Do it or I’ll dress up as a Pokemon!

NEXT: Sassy Sassy Superheroes