Comments on: [Guest Post] I’m Not An Unwanted Gift: The Problems With Being Given Away

By: Lu

Lu — Mon, 21 May 2012 13:00:36 +0000

Been thinking a lot about this too recently. I didn’t know my dad growing up and his role was filled by my grandfather. Now I’ve got in touch with my dad and we get a long really well and have settled in to a “traditional” (in the best sense) father/daughter relationship. Aside from the fact that I’m not going to let anyone GIVE me to anyone else, if I was to be walked down the aisle I now don’t know which one I want to do it. The idea of walking down the aisle with my fiance sounds good, but I don’t want to upset the father figures. Eck.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:08:53 +0000

In reply to Lizzie B.

Alternately, when the priest/pastor/whoever says “who gives this woman?” you could answer:

“I give myself to this man, freely and without reservation.”

Then again, I’m one of those girls who didn’t have a father figure, so I’ll be walking down the aisle all by my lonesome one day.

By: Bacon

Bacon — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 03:15:14 +0000

As a recently married feminist I feel your pain. The argument I had with my mother over my desire to not wear makeup lasted for four months and was eventually lost. A lot of the marriage tradition is just completely horrifying, and being ‘given away’ is not to be tolerated.
However, I really found it useful to have my dad on my arm, because otherwise I’d have swayed drunkenly down there at an alarming rate, so I can heartily recommend having him there if you can possibly find a way to couch it in acceptable terms.

By: Lizzie B

Lizzie B — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 16:37:12 +0000

Thanks guys, these are all really helpful. I like the idea of separating being given away and the walk down the aisle – I think I’d been mashing them together in my head because the dad normally ‘hands’ you over to the groom and I hated that symbolism, but maybe I can make a nice point of handing myself over to the groom. You guys rock!

By: Frances

Frances — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 17:38:03 +0000

I’ve been thinking about this loads as well (not that i’m engaged or anything…) I like the idea of bride & groom walking in together but I know my dad will want to walk me down the aisle. What about the groom? Perhaps he could be walked down the aisle with this mum? Like a symbol of your families joining together.

By: Karen

Karen — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 16:41:26 +0000

I was given away by my Dad when I got married (Although, he asked me why I wanted to get married and that I was too young to be doing so…at 30)
If I’ve ever ‘belonged’ to anyone, other than myself, it was my Dad. We were close, we were alike. I don’ t think you necessarily compromise principles if you do things, little, inconsequential things, that make you or other people happy.
I also got married in a cathedral, I’m a card-carrying athiest. It meant nothing to me, other than it was a pretty building with nice acoustics. But getting hitched there made the in and out laws (who are goddishly inclined) happy, so why not? Didn’t infect me with god cooties. My Dad died this Christmas. I went through a massive box of pictures, some of the dearest Iwere the ones of he and I walking down the isle together, partners in crime. I think we kinda belonged to each other, sod tradition, we made it our own ‘thing’. You can too. Have a great day, whatever you decide:)

By: Emily

Emily — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 12:44:40 +0000

For me, there were two separate questions – being walked down the aisle and being ‘given away’. I was adamant that I wasn’t being given away and that question was struck out of the script for the wedding day. Ugh, no.

However, my dad did walk me down the aisle and it was a really good thing for both of us. It gave him a distinct role in the ceremony. It meant that I spent some time alone with my mum as I got dressed and then with my dad before we walked into the wedding. In a day filled with busyness and people, I really remember and treasures those little quiet moments. It didn’t make me feel like a gift or a chattel (although I get that the symbolism could be read that way), it felt as I was surrounded by people who loved me and were proud of me.

By: Jess

Jess — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 09:51:36 +0000

Being given away, and being walked down (up?) the aisle, are different things. When I got married last year I specified on our ceremony forms that I would not be given away, but I still walked in with my Dad. I agree that being given away is a horrible idea, but I wanted to involve my Dad in a special way in the ceremony, just as I tried to involve most other people there.

By: Ailbhe

Ailbhe — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 21:46:24 +0000

He could walk you most of the way, but hand you over to eg a bridesmaid or your own little sister for the last little bit, taking the handover out of supporting you on the long walk in front of a thousand eyes. I was glad to have my mother beside me walking out in front of people, and it was an incredibly short registry office aisle.

By: Zoe

Zoe — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 18:33:52 +0000

I haven’t decided what I am doing yet and mine’s in May! I think I’ll just walk down on my own (well, with bridesmaids) – I think these days the walk down the aisle is nothing more or less than a catwalk run of LOOK AT OUR DRESSES THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT. Surely boring men in trousers will only detract from this.

I’d be only too happy to let either of my parents walk me down if they express a wish to, but I can’t figure out any relevant symbolism for me of walking to or from any part of the ceremony room with or without any bridal party members – I am already living as married and have been for some time, it’s not a step from or to anything in particular for me, it’s a celebration (first and foremost) and some legal admin to neaten up some finances (I would like to be his next of kin please and can our future children please inherit our stuff in a convenient way). As far as family ties go, they’re already made!